Originally published on Call of the Quean
As a cuckquean, I find myself in situations that most people (I know) won’t experience in their lifetime. This creates a disconnect between me and others. It’s involuntary, but present.
I have spent the last several years pursuing pleasure in the same way some pursue money or fame. I’ve committed to it, I refuse to stop, and as a result, I’ve developed a deep level of self-awareness. It’s needed, because, not unlike money or fame, desire, too, is something one can get lost in.
I spoke with James the other night over a candle-lit dinner. We were at a restaurant next to the sea. I confided in him a recent discovery of mine, which is that, although I write about sex regularly and even travel in its name, I rarely speak about it with people, save for him.
That’s what I mean, I guess, about feeling involuntarily disconnected from others. I am so entrenched in a world that most people are not, oftentimes I feel lonely…
Maybe lonely isn’t the right word. Fragmented. Like I have two selves. One that lives her daily life and the other who waits patiently to be invited out. When it’s appropriate and safe.
I know many of you feel the same. You’ve written to me about it. And although I share in that discomfort or disappointment or whatever you want to call it, my pride tends to overpower the negative.
You see, I am proud none of us have been defeated.
